“hi, i’m michelle and i’m very thirsty right now, but i don’t want to get off the couch to fetch a glass of water. i am 25 years old.”

“hi, i’m michelle and my nose was a little bit stuffy so i started sniffling and somehow that irritated the tissues in my sinus and they puffed up and so i sniffled more but the more i sniffled the worse it got and now i have to breathe through my mouth for the next half an hour.”

“hi, i’m michelle and i know that they broadcast a show i like on tuesdays and i want to stream it right now but i can’t think of the show.”

“hi, i’m michelle and i finally got off the couch because my cat was eating a strip of window caulking i put up two winters ago. i got a glass of water, but it’s not very full because i got tired of standing in front of the faucet.”